New poem, new member

[La Luna Unita]

Hello, guys, I'm a member that's been hovering and reading for a while, but has never contributed. I haven't written anything for a while, so please tell me what you think. Thanks!


Love me, my darling - for today
Tomorrow is a whisper that has forgotten its content
or portent or omen;
It flitters, flightlessly falling,
farther from us with each breath of the wind.

We are carried away,
and scramble for meaning;
End over end, seeking a landing,
a stopping, an anything, a thread that is cut,
a thousand answers, each less than before.

'Till we reach silence,
a daughter of knowledge; she holds
in her fist our dreamings and dust.
We rest in her grip, lauding our ashes,
Waiting to rise, waiting to rise.

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"I'll show you fear in a handful of dust." -The Wasteland, by T.S. Eliot

[Hannibal]

I felt jumpy when it came to this poem. As if I was being jumped from idea to idea. The transitions seemed awfully abrupt. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. but then again, maybe it's just these two ladies jabbering away next to me that's distracting me from a full on read. I wasn't quite sure exactly what you were wishing to describe as well.
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We rest in her grip, lauding our ashes,
Waiting to rise, waiting to rise.
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
I really liked those lines, they were really solid. Keep the ending But maybe work on your overall idea, and maybe making transitions smoother?
This is just my opinion, and my non-professional critique. So maybe if we get some more ideas on this, you can get a good idea of where to go from here

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[La Luna Unita]

Eeenteresting.... well, I appreciate your "non-professional" critique. This poem was sort of inspired by my Latin studies way back in high school with "carpe diem!" and all those ancient urgings to live for now and let tomorrow take care of itself. The choppiness between verses is in a way meant to signify that while their themes are connected, they each deal with a separate problem or subject: 1) We must appreciate what we have in the here and now, 2) but we are always searching for some kind of eternal answer, and 3) in that search, we end finding silence (the unknown, or God) and realize that all we must do is wait.

Sorry, I know that was long. Does it make a little more sense?

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"I'll show you fear in a handful of dust." -The Wasteland, by T.S. Eliot

[Hannibal]

Yes, thank you

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[Soiled Soul]

I really dug this work. but I pulled something out of it completly different then the carpie diem idea that you put in and jsut wanted to share it.
I saw the beginning as the conclusion. Like you are speaking to someone you love or could love but only for the moment. That today everything is perfect for your love but tommorow there are problems differences that make it impossible. upon rereading it might not really fit but it was just my initial reaction.

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